Thursday, 8 March 2012

Celebrate "Be Nasty Day" with The Union of Dead Characters and Potential Victims

In honour of "Be Nasty Day" I'm posting a little story from the point of view of my characters, as they share what they really think about their writer (note: for anyone unfamiliar with my books there are one or two minor plot spoilers in the following story):

The Union of Dead Characters and Potential Victims

Charlotte Harrington stood and addressed the assembled group. “I call this first meeting of the characters of A. F. Stewart to order. The floor is now open to grievances against our creator, Ms. Stewart.” She returned to her seat and smoothed the folds of her skirt.

Detective Piper cleared his throat. “What are we going to do about her? She’s on a freaking killing spree.”

“I know. Take that book Kilers and Demons. Seven dead, more if you count the nameless ones murdered off page.” Edmund banged his fist on the table.

Nimue sighed. “It wasn’t too bad when she was just killing the villains, now everyone’s a potential casualty.”

“Too true. The body count is getting a bit unpredictable.” Balthazar the demon smirked. “Even for me.”

Eldren scowled. “At least you’re not in her book, Ruined City. I got ripped apart in an actual massacre.”

“Well, I just got disappeared.” The small voice of Danny piped up. “I got hunted by evil toys and then nothing. I was gone. Nobody knows what happened to me. And then she went after my Mom.”

Flora rolled her eyes. “I got murdered by a vampire and my own father, so don’t complain.”

“See, no one’s safe, she’ll even kill off kids.” Christopher frowned. “I still have nightmares about Harry.”

“Or main characters. She got a couple of us too.” Art rubbed his chest.

Joan grinned. “Sometimes we get lucky and come back as ghosts.”

“Oh don’t talk to me about ghosts.” Sarah snorted. “She had a homicidal ghost witch come after me and all my friends. She’s a menace.”

“I agree.” Douglas cast a look at Joan. “Look what she did to poor Elly. She got eaten just because she was perky. And that artist, he didn’t even get a name before fairies shredded him and he ended in a stew pot.”

“What about the marriages she’s ruined.” All eyes turned to Steve. “How many domestic murders has she written about? I killed my Kimberly, Jack got shot by his spouse, there was John and his wife, and poor Nancy and David, and the list goes on.”

Charlotte held her hand up for silence. “Well it is obvious things are far too bloody. But what exactly can we do? She is the one in control.”

They looked at each other, but no one had a clue...

I stared at them through the unseen observation window and then turned to the representative from the Office of the Ombudsman for Fictional Characters.

“What am I supposed to do about these gripes? I write dark fantasy and horror stories! Characters have to die!”

“I’m just doing my job. We have to investigate all complaints.”

“Well, nuts to them. You tell them to be quiet or I’ll write a story and kill off everyone.”


PT Dilloway said...

That was really cute. LOL.

A. F. Stewart said...

Wasn't it just?

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